The View From Above The Clouds

There are days in which we walk outside, we look above and see a ceiling of clouds as far as our eyes can see. We look up, we see gray, we see white, we see a solid wall of dull and drab 'nothing'. If we didn't know any better we would assume that this wall is a wall comprised of the most sturdy material known to man. Nothing could break past this wall, look how massive and cumbersome and heavy it looks... And if nothing could break down this wall, then certainly nothing could possibly exist beyond it. If this wall of clouds really is as strong and rigid and unchangeable as it seems, then how was it only yesterday that we could swear it wasn't there at all? But it's certainly there now and it seems so... permanent. When the clouds are spread so thick, that not even the slightest patch of blue sky or hint of the Sun can be seen, and it feels so cold because there is no direct warmth touching our skin, we tend to forget that there really is something beyond that wall of clouds... and that that wall isn't so permanent after all.

Yes, if we are lucky, we realize we do know better. We know that on the other side of this intimidating wall there is a brilliant blue sky. And that azure blue sky is lit with a blazing orange red Sun that is so bright you cannot stare into it's heart for too long without it taking away part of your own vision. The sky seems so impossibly endless... as though even if we wanted to find the end of the blue line, we know wouldn't be able to really discover it. And it's all there, right behind those clouds. Every day, even days in which we can't see it with our own eyes, the Sun lazily wanders around it's home in the delicious blue sky and eventually comes to that line, where it takes it's light and warmth away for a while. It's warming blaze, this life providing light, is the reason for which I am able to type and that you are able to read. The Sun, and the blue sky which reflects the tremendous bodies of water on our planet, are the reasons for which we are able to 'be'. It's that simple and easy. The sun shines, the clouds gather and release water... and we are able to be.

How we 'be' though, is not as simple. For often times, we look around ourselves and feel a wall that seems much the same as those clouds above. We feel as though this wall in front of us is dull and drab and sturdy and permanent. We don't quite remember when it appeared but we cannot deny it's presence now. And oh man, it looks heavy and built to prevail against any force placed upon it. Since it seems so sturdy, obviously nothing can get past it. Even the slightest bit of warmth... from a touch, a feeling, a thought, a sound, a moment, a memory... nothing is getting through this thing. And if this wall is as strong as it seems then nothing could possibly exist beyond it, right?

Sometimes we find ourselves thinking or feeling as though we are trapped beneath or behind a massive wall. Maybe we are now shadows of who we once were or faded hopes of the person we wanted to become. How did it happen so fast? Why did it take so long? We look back and remember... could it be that the best days are the ones that have already happened? And if that's true, don't we wish we could go back and tell ourselves to remember them more vividly? We look forward and dream... promise ourselves that tomorrow I will start to be the person I have always wanted to be. And this time, I'm really going to do it. Now, if only that stupid wall would just go away so that I can move forward... move through... move beyond. But it just becomes so difficult... Maybe this wall really is as solid as it seems.

I was on a flight last week from DC to Pittsburgh. Puddle jumper of a plane that departed around 4:30pm. In DC, they were still feeling the effects of the storm that iced Atlanta, and it was damn cold on the ground. There was nothing up above, solid white and gray. As the plane took off, the magical city of our Nation's Capitol even seemed dull and drab. I put my earphones in, opened my book and was ready to forget I had a window seat. As we climbed in elevation, there was turbulence as we entered the massive wall of clouds. It was rough enough for me to have to put down my fantastic book (In the Hand of Dante by Nick Tosches) and peer out the window.

I saw nothing. It was solid white. Then, we climbed through the last tip of the clouds and were now flying above them. It was a sight I hope I never forget. I felt as though I were in a painting, looking around at the handiwork of an acclaimed artist. And ultimately, I guess I was. If you didn't know any better, it could have been a sea snow drifts, could have been a big bowl of Cool Whip, could have been a bunch of cotton balls glued to an endless piece of paper. Even more brilliant than the home of the Care Bears, was the sky, the deliciously blue and immensely large sky. And above those clouds, and in that brilliant blue sky... was the Sun. Right at sundown too, when the Sun was approaching the horizon. The sight was so intense that you couldn't look away. Blazing orange red sun, sitting in the throne of the blue sky and fluffy clouds, so clear and so brilliant... I stared so long that it actually hurt my poor eyes... but I just couldn't look away.

I realized what I was looking at... and how lucky I truly was. For I was looking at what exists above the clouds, beyond the wall. And that the wall isn't so permanent after all. I just flew through it. It wasn't smooth and it wasn't pretty, but what that wall stands in front of... is. What was dull and drab just below is beautiful and gorgeous just above. This was the sight I needed to see with my own eyes to awaken my own mind of a world that can and does exist. It exists not only outside but also within. This was the hope I needed to recapture - the view from above the clouds.

And so it goes...

A Season Of My Own

Ever feel like you are in a different world sometimes? That you have slid through this dimension and moved on into a completely new one, where everything you think makes total sense to you? In your mind, everything seems to be so easy and perfect and normal and fantastic and very absolute and obvious. And above all else, it's just 'right'. Somehow you feel as though all will not just be ok but it will be great and spectacular and wonderful. Then, just as you are taking a deep breath, beginning to feel very comfortable in this world and noticing that things are finally making sense... you become painfully aware that no one else knows what the fuck you’re talking about. And if they cannot seem to decipher what you’re saying then you hardly would expect them to understand what you are thinking - so you don’t even bother trying. Ever get like this? And I am referring to slipping into this world naturally… no controlled substance of any kind, prescribed or otherwise.

It seems as though I get like this at Christmastime anymore… Maybe it is my attempt of raging against growing older, maybe it is because I don’t have a family of my own to dote on, maybe it is because I really miss the family that I have lost. Or maybe it is just because I really, truly still want to desperately believe in the spirit of Christmas and in Christmas miracles. The sounds, the sights, the smells of the season always seem to transport part of me into this ridiculous fantasy world for a few weeks out of the year. And during these weeks I create a world of my own. Like Alice in Wonderland, I jump down a proverbial rabbit hole that I myself dug and enter into a fantasy life that is only real to me, apparently. But where Alice was rather confused during her trip through Wonderland, I am not confused at all. In fact, during these times, nothing seems more clear to me. I assume it’s because this is the world I created myself, for myself, so it would make more sense. This is a place where everything and everyone just feels perfect. Sounds lovely, eh?

And it is lovely! You smile knowing that other people are complaining about this and that but in your world, nothing is wrong. There is an enormous amount of hope somewhere inside you for, something, that will most certainly come to fruition because why wouldn’t it? This is your world after all. I mean look how everything in your mind has worked out so well! People seem prettier inside and out; food tastes spicier; music sounds stronger; lights glow brighter; the air smells crisper. The possibilities are endless! You feel more alive in one evening than you felt all of the days of the last year combined. You have developed an image in your mind that is so amazing and spectacular that if it were not obviously true, then how could you have ever dreamt it up in the first place? It is definitely true! And you are so confident in this new world because hope abounds and there is always something to look forward to and wish for. You especially have that one wish, a wish stronger than anything you’ve wanted for such a long time. And it must come true… it just simply MUST! It’s Christmas after all… the time for new beginnings, a time to celebrate the joy of peace and love… it’s a time for miracles. So you continue floating around smiling to yourself knowing that something special is coming and it is certainly going to be wonderful and fantastical!

Until… you realize, no one knows what the fuck you’re talking about. And why would they really? The ideas you’ve built up in your head were ultimately just that – visions perfectly perfected because they were created in your mind where forever they will stay. The thoughts that were so common sense to you before now seem so ridiculous. And you beat yourself up because how could you be so stupid? How did the world seem so magically effervescent before... and now it’s just a complete and total mess? As lovely as everything seemed only days ago is now as less than ideal as they could possibly be. You wake up one day and abruptly realize the Christmas season has passed - it’s over. And the miracle you wanted to happen, in fact, didn’t. And the newness and the beginnings that you were supposed to be celebrating, now just seem so daunting. And of course you think if you could have made your Christmas miracle really come true, then none of these harsh feelings of reality would have happened. But they did happen. They are here now. You were floating before, now you are sinking. Hope suddenly seemed to fade away completely…

Well, not completely. There is always next year, hopefully.

And so it goes…