Sundays...

This post is not about what I learned during Unemployment.... that post will come eventually. But not yet.

This one is in fact about what I did today and what I have done in a number of previous Sunday's ~ and that is simply enjoy my time. After I go to mass and visit with my mother, I do nothing except have beers with my girlfriends and whomever else happens to be there at that point in time, and we pretend we care about the football game or sit and ignore what is on tv, and discuss... what happened that week in our lives, what did we do , who did we meet, who did we talk to, what shouldn't we have done, what did we wish we could have done, what does it all mean, or nothing at all whatsoever... quite obviously over a few beers, the conversations get better and better. But what makes these Sunday's so Fun is that we are all there because we simply choose to be. And gratefully, we all can. But again, I believe that's because we have chosen to be.

I know there could be a time in my life where I might not be able to have these days... so godamit while I can, I am going to absolutely love them and talk about them till I'm sick of hearing myself. Having no one to answer to, in any form, and being able to go and meet your friends and talk... and meet new people and talk... or just be inside your head and think of the past and the present... without once feeling guilty or like you're neglecting something else, is such a wonderful, liberating, and accomplished feeling.

Accomplished? Really? Yes, I'm 32 years old with no job, no husband, no children, no serious boyfriend... I don't even have a pet. Many people could very well view someone like me as a total failure in life thus far. I'm practically George Costanza for crying out loud. I, however, think very, very differently. I, in no uncertain terms, love love love my life right now, just as it is. I have a very hefty sense of self worth and believe that my path has been created for me from above and all I need to do is trust in that. It will continue to be amazing and wonderful because of the choices I make... But, at the same time, there are moments when I wonder.... I have weak moments like anyone else where I find myself coveting briefly. However, I know I'm not supposed to have that or be that or even want that... whatever that happens to be.

I know I could have been married... I probably could have had children. But I knew it wasn't right for me then, with those people, in those circumstances. I believe I personally do things on my own time anyway and simply because it's what everyone else is doing is certainly not good enough for me to do it. In fact, 'because that's what you're supposed to do' would probably be the reason why I wouldn't do it in the first place.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to prove anything. Or to justify or explain anything, either to you or me. I am saying however, that spending Sunday afternoon's having beers with people I find interesting is something I'm so grateful to have and will continue to appreciate while they are still occurring. Life is crazy and could absolutely turn upside down tomorrow... due to any number of reasons... and I will turn with it. It has led me here after all.... and for that I am so grateful.

Do I think of the past and the people in it? Yes, I do, everyday. There are people from high school that I think of everyday, people from college that I think of everyday, a certain person from Las Vegas that I foolishly think of almost everyday... and I find myself wondering what I would be like if those people had taken a more significant role in my life at that time. I wonder what my Sunday's would have been filled with if they had been a part of them... There is never an answer, as there rightfully wouldn't be. I don't know what would have happened, so it's silly for me to sit here and let those thoughts take over... As the wise and ever-comforting Dumbledore once told Harry Potter, "It does not do to dwell on dreams, Harry, and forget to live." So I don't dwell... but I do think. And because I think, I believe that is how I live.

And I have learned that the past is simply that - the past. I can't change it or mold it to anything different than what it was. So I sit here today and take everything I can from those people and those memories and those times and put that energy into today. I hear them, I see them, I know they are all a part of me. What creates me and my heavy sense of worth? Everyone that has ever touched me and affected me in some way... You have contributed to this creature that stands here... maybe she is unclear as to where she is going but she sure as hell knows where she has been. Maybe that sounds cliche... but few can actually say that and truly mean it. They see their lives drawn out for them, like a blueprint of a building and they need to follow step by step in order for all to remain standing sturdy and strong. I have no blueprint... good thing too, those things never made any sense to me.

The reasons why I love my life are not because it's simply mine, in the most complete sense of the word 'mine'. No. It's more than that... It's making sure that while I'm 'in' a phase of life, that I acknowledge it. That I appreciate it for all it has to offer and teach and show me. Knowing the full while that this time will pass, much like all other times have passed. So whether it is a good time or a bad time, a gain, a loss, the worst loss imaginable, or the most euphoric feeling ever, I must recognize that I'm in it but it will eventually lead into something else... so I will continue to learn the hell out of every moment I can. The ones I can remember anyway... especially on late Sunday evenings...

And so it goes...