I believe it was right before Thanksgiving that it occurred to me what a year TwentyEleven had been for me... the year wasn't over then and isn't over now yet either, but it certainly has been quite a year so far. Therefore, I decided to sit down and try to inventory the moments that have transpired thus far, over a years time. Events, situations, feelings, realizations - big and small - some more meaningful than others - but all of which somehow blended together to create one helluva year. Obviously not everything can be touched upon but here is my attempt to summarize the past year.
For anyone, other than myself, reading this- it will most likely be incredibly boring. But I needed to do this and to some extent and in some form, I hope everyone makes the time to acknowledge the moments in your life that can literally change everything...
This was the year that started with warmth and love of friends, family that is the best friend, lovely wine and Ethiopian food.... and yet, tremendous feelings of frustration. For only a few short days earlier, I had made an enormous fool of myself to someone who I never wanted to see me be anything other than fabulous and wonderful. I opened up my living room, my opinions, and apparently too many Winter Solstice's. My opinions were harsh and probably unjustified; opinions I still stand behind, but could have delivered way better. So instead of fabulous and wonderful, I was hostile and just plain rude. It was frustration of my own life, the direction it seemed to be heading and I was taking it out on someone who didn't deserve it. I can't take those words back or change the way I made him feel and I can't ever erase in my memory the parts of the night I actually remember and how foolish I then felt for so long afterwards. Not a good way to start the year... but as they say, things can only get better, right?
In January I had been working for a marketing/advertising company for about a month. This was my first position since leaving Verizon Wireless 10 months earlier. By that point, I had begun to feel useless and unintelligent, like I had nothing to offer to anyone. Waiting for something to come up and save me from my slow but steady sinking, down into the almost inevitable pit of self doubt and confusion of one's own abilities. Luckily though I did find a job... I found it on my own. And in many ways, at the beginning it did save me - it allowed me to belong to something again. A work family that seemed as unusual as the building we were in - with practically no windows or light - and a job that made little sense to me, but I was part of a work family and for that I was so grateful. I met some really fantastic people there - People that I learned from and continue to learn from and lean on. It allowed me to go to Orlando in January too, not too shabby. Yes, that job saved me for a while and over time it taught me what I could tolerate and what I just simply couldn't..... A lesson that I'm still trying to totally grasp in it's entirety... But that comes later in the year.
During those first months of the year, for reasons of which I have yet to completely wrap my head around, I began to let my hair color go 'back to natural'. Um, yeah... Was I fucking crazy? I must have been. Total lapse of sanity on my part. Some people were meant to be blondes. They carry themselves differently. They have a blonde attitude. They have a blonde air about them. I am one of those people and I have no earthly idea why I tried to deny it or change who I was. Simply because something isn't 'natural' doesn't mean it's not who you 'naturally are'. What is truly there inside of you sometimes needs to be brought out to the outside world. For the first 4 months of the year, my hair was this dishwater brownish greenish (I swear) kind of gross color that somehow I thought was 'natural'. Nothing possibly could have been more unnatural, ever in my life, than me trying to look in the mirror and recognize the person looking back at me. I was becoming frustrated with the job I had and then every day I had to look at myself and wonder who the hell this girl was in the mirror living this life that was in many ways completely wrong for me.
I was living in the suburbs, having to drive everywhere I went, and as anyone who knows me knows, that's really the least ideal situation ever. The only true benefit of living where I did was my beloved Brooke was less than 10 minutes away and our wine nights were a huge factor in how I had survived the previous 'dark' year of TwentyTen.
So I believe it was around mid-March that the fire became too hot. Finally I had to get up and say things have to change or else I will melt down into something completely unrecognizable. I could no longer be comfortably uncomfortable, because somewhere inside I knew I was the most uncomfortable I had ever been in my life.
And so it was by the grace of God, and my dad (admittedly, sometimes I become confused as to which is which anymore) things began to take shape. Thru the grace of God, the watchful soul of my father and my own convictions - my life was about to take a turn for the better - the way better. I still am rather amazed by it all, and as with most moments that come along so quickly we can't truly appreciate them at the time. It took me until the weeks before Thanksgiving to begin to absorb my good fortunes. And I'm still not sure I am appreciating them all as I really should be.
My sister lives in Shadyside. She has lived in Shadyside for years and years. Our dad was with her the first time she saw the building. And I loved her apartment and loved everything about the area. When I would come and visit, I wished I didn't have to leave, probably more than I ever conveyed. When she found out the girl that lived across the hall was moving out - this was obviously a miracle. But could we do it? Could we live across the hall from each other now that we were adults? Our answer = absofuckinglutely. Moving here was one of the best decisions I have made in years. Moving here, to the city and across from the other half of me essentially, has been greater and richer than I could have ever hoped for. As I have expressed in the past, I never knew what 'loneliness' felt like until my dad died. Then in the last few years, that feeling intensified each year. That feeling has subsided exponentially and I couldn't be happier about losing something as I am to say I have pretty much lost the feeling of loneliness once again.
I am appreciative and thankful and forever in debt to my sister. This past year has been monumental for her too. That is her story to tell though. But even me, the most annoyingly-wordy-at-times person, cannot find the right ones to express the pride and admiration and love and hope and plain joy that I have in my sister. No one understands us... and really, no one should. :)
I moved in May. The best part of that North Hills apartment was saying goodbye to it by priming my red and green walls back to white. We finished the beer in the fridge, CCR and Bob Marley were playing in the background, people I love more than they know were there and I still have primer on the shirt I wore that day. I sincerely hope one of us primed a damn stink bug into one of the walls... it was a great way to say goodbye to a total shit place in my life, literally and figuratively.
Then, the new view every morning took on another definition. I went back to blonde - thank you Dean. Yes 'the' Dean at Dean of Shadyside carefully and expertly took my hair and brought it back to blonde. And in the process, also brought part of Leslie back. The one thank you card I sent was nowhere near enough to express my gratitude. I know some people think I'm totally nuts for making such a big deal about a hair color. But some people know exactly what I mean. My identity was being restored... Oh and I can walk to the salon now too. And to Whole Foods and Trader Joe's. And to the new Mad Mex that opened on S. Highland. Fanfuckingtabulous.
It was around this time that I came to a crossroads of sorts with this job I had. I could sit there everyday in the dark, literally the dark because the scary girl in the office didn't like the lights on, and just be lucky I again had a paycheck that didn't come from the unemployment office - or I could proactively search for something in which I could feel fulfilled. Again, somewhere inside I knew that I would be forever grateful for that place during those few months, but over those same months I learned what I could stand and what I couldn't. My sister sent me a quote that my dad had once said to her and it reminded me that I couldn't continue to let people not discover the things inside of me that I know are there. So I found a better-for-me position with a different company in a new field. I still talk to people from that time but I must say I was quite happy to walk out of that dark building, much like the month before when I walked out of Bear Run. Rereading this paragraph, I am well aware it sounds quite like a total cliche. But I'm not lying, it was like I was shedding skin and the dead cells were being sloughed off to allow for a brighter and healthier layer to shine through.
In June I went to Mexico for Kristin and Goose's wedding, aka: one of the best weddings I may ever attend. And not just because these two are two of the best all around people I know, not just because we were on the beach in a beautiful resort, not just because some really great friends of mine were all in one place - it was because of all of those things happened at the same time. My 'husband' Brooke and I went together and through that trip, I ended up learning quite a bit. About love, about friendship - how some things never change, and never should. Sometimes it takes a trip amongst friends and strangers though to realize that there are things that absolutely must change. (Apparently I still thought I could lay in the sun for the entire day and not get burned... those days, however, have long passed.) Sometimes it takes friends to be brutally honest with you and tell you those hard truths about yourself that you never knew existed. I am still grateful for those conversations and the words they chose, as much as I am for the people who said them. I also came to realize that the tetanus shot I had received a few years earlier at the other 'best wedding ever' was really going to help me when I fell during the monsoon and ripped the hell out of my knee... and of course did not bandage my open wounds for two days. I mean it's not like I was in a foreign country or anything... apparently enough alcohol really can burn the germs.
When I came back from that trip, I started my new job. It is the position I have now and the job that to an increasing measure, is enabling and allowing more and more totally awesome people and places to be introduced in my life. But before I could get to any of that... I had another trip planned.
Las Vegas in July. Four single girls. Sunny, hot... Vegas in July is basically pool all day and craziness all night. I have been to that city many times and each time it is a slightly different experience. But never as different as this specific trip came to be. Laura and I were sitting at dinner waiting for the rest of our group to arrive after let's just say some 'drama' had taken place. I sighed and said to her, 'I wish we were here with our boyfriends'. (It should be known that at that time, neither of us were even dating anyone much less had a serious boyfriend.) But I was tired of being in that city the same way I had been there 5 years earlier. Looking back, it was such an odd moment to have these kind of thoughts. Good grief, we were in Vegas. But sometimes you cannot help a feeling that's undeniable. The knowing that part of you is being left behind and you're not sure how you feel about it. Half of you is sad to see it leave and half you knows you are quite glad it is going away. To be very present and aware of that particular feeling at a time and place when you technically shouldn't be aware of anything really, made it all the more real. And all the more welcomed. Which is why that trip was completely worth every penny. And the Marines we met were pretty fantastic too...
While waiting to check out of our hotel in Las Vegas, I pulled up Facebook on my phone. I started to see postings about Dave Cook. I couldn't believe it. People touch our lives sometimes in ways that seem so minor until something makes them major. When I found out he was killed by a drunk driver it made me again acknowledge how precious life is, how quickly it can all be taken away. He used to comment on my postings, he was always so positive and kind. I hope he is having a beer with my dad right now and watching over us...
After July, the world has seemed a little different to me. I'm not sure why exactly - I suppose it's combination of all the things building up to this point. But it certainly seems different, even still. I came back from that trip and went to Detroit and Phoenix for training a week later to start the new journey and chapter in my work life. The people I met thru those experiences = pretty amazing. I also was able to get in touch with an old friend who maybe didn't realize it but truly did make an impact on me. I guess that just goes to show you that our world is so small, there will always be people around that you know and even the people that you don't 'know'... you kind of do 'know' already. This job has been quite a blessing. I'm meeting these people that can know me for a few days, moments even, and seem to understand me. Or at least get what I'm trying to convey. Maybe because I am again feeling secure in what I am portraying to the universe, or maybe I'm just super lucky and somehow I'm blessed enough to be around people that just get me.
The girls that I sit near in the office, I feel like I've know way longer than a few months. I'm the Jekyll/Hyde type, always have been, in the sense that I'm extra-ordinarily vocal and opinionated when I choose to be and ridiculously quiet and self-contained when I want to be as well. I was nervous in a way when I started this job because maybe for the first time in my life, I was becoming tired of the 'show' I tend to put on for people. Most of us take it for granted but some of us struggle with how we portray ourselves in certain environments. This time, I kind of just wanted to be 'me'... for all of the good and the not so good that it might involve. And I think on the grand scale, I succeeded in being just that. I've a ways to go in becoming totally linear... but then again, I'm not sure linear is the term I want to describe me anyway. No, in fact, I don't want to be linear, ever. So I suppose I'm on the right track...
At the end of September, early October, Laura and I went to one of her dear friend's weddings in New York. Literally hours before the ceremony, during a wonderful heart to heart conversation over a red wine tasting at a local winery as only the two Phillipsie girls could have, we both said that although weddings are wonderful and brilliant and fabulous... we never really cry at them. I've cried at funerals, obviously, but even though two of my best friends ever have recently gotten married, I didn't actually shed a ridiculous amount of tears at their weddings. This particular wedding though was the first time we both, oddly enough, cried. Like we totally needed a damn Kleenex cried. I'm not even sure why... ceremony was lovely, but so were all the others I have seen. The people saying their vows are totally perfect for each other and totally in love, but so were the others. I don't know if it was the Long Island air or the mindset we ourselves were in, but we cried. And like a good cry tends to do, it cleansed me. Maybe of what was stored up before or maybe the fear of what was to come, but at that moment, I cried away alot of shit that had been built up. All the while, we cried without having to re-apply eyeliner...Mom would be so proud. Then we went to NYC for the rest of the weekend. We stumbled around the East Village, had the second best meal ever at Dirt Candy, stayed in an AWESOME 1F Oakwood apartment near 6th and Park, Laura fell off a bar stool... it was fantastic. And in typical fashion, we danced to 80's music in the security line at JFK the next morning, wondering why the security line at JFK is the slowest security line ever and why our headaches always seem so much worse in that line.
During the fall months of this year, I have met some absolutely amazing people. Met during the most unexpected circumstances sometimes but as usual, the more unexpected the circumstance the more awesome the outcome. At the Pens home opener this year, I bought a single ticket to the game. My sister was out of town, and my hockey friends all have season tickets already, so I decided to go and sit alone. I had friends there anyway, people coming in from out of town and people from in town that are basically out of town since hockey season is the only time I really see them (yes Fork I'm talking about you)... so I thought, I'm a huge hockey fan, I can hang with them before and during and after, but sit alone during the actual game. As fate would have it, I sat next to someone who talked to me almost as much as my sister does during a game. He actually told me I was the best Single Serving Friend he had ever met. A compliment totally taken from Fight Club, and a compliment I still totally cherish to this day.
I think during these fall months I also came to a much needed conclusion to a story that has been ongoing for almost 2 years now. I do not regret the tremendous and irreplaceable amount of time and energy and thoughts and feelings and dreams and hopes and complete disillusionment on my part that went along with this story... but somewhere deep down, I always seemed to have this nagging feeling that all of that was felt in a different dimension anyway. Sometimes a girl needs to wake up and realize the reality that has been here all the while. We can over analyze and over think things to death. The mind can create and destroy something so quickly and easily. We acknowledge it and cherish it and ruin it all at once. I guess I woke up this fall... to certain feelings and realizations about myself and others that have been suppressed for quite a while now. They say timing is everything and God knows, probably on purpose really, that timing has not necessarily been my best friend......... But maybe it has, just in disguise. In fact, I dare say it was around that time I happened to meet a stunning chap who wears a certain watch better than James Bond himself...
To truly encompass a year in ones life, and I'm only talking about TwentyEleven obviously - Good Grief this isn't my life's story (although if you've made it this far down it probably seems like it) there are so many other people involved. Some whose names I don't even know. Someone can touch your life in a nanosecond and you will never know their name or see their face again. I thank those individuals... But here are a few names I do know, and to them, I will thank more than the words THANK YOU actually truly can convey, for many different reasons and on many levels, including but not limited to, and in no particular order except the first, because as always the first is the first for a reason...
Laura, Ann, Greg, Tom, Brooke, Lisa, Anna, Katie, JJ, Jason, Adam, Justin, Nicole, Kristin, Brian, Jarrod, Michelle, Joanie, Robyn, Andy Rooney, Christy, Dave, Jackie, Dean, Dustin, Kendell, Meghan, Karen, Matt, the guy that still has my earring, Kesha, Steve Jobs, Aaron, Jalyn, Mark, Kyle, Chris, Jonathan, Deena, Brody, Tina, Phil, Kristy, Sarah, Andy, Ashley, James, Bill, Albert, the bartenders at Fatheads, Nick, Tara, Jamie, Mary Ann, Jan...
So yeah, I guess that brings me to, now. December 5th... a good twenty-some days until the official end of the year. In TwentyEleven, I changed jobs and apartments and mindsets. I have grown in ways I wouldn't have thought possible at this point last year. I can hardly wait to see what TwentyTwelve brings. But this year isn't quite over yet. In these twenty-some days there is another trip to NYC planned... stay tuned :) And, as I have shared before, I have this wonderful fabulous illusion of the Christmas spirit. My Christmas miracle that I hope will happen this year has yet to be defined... but it will be. And I hope it includes as much as wonder as the year has given to me so far. Although the rabbit hole is in fact a hole and we never know what will be there when we land... it's totally worth falling into to find out.
So cheers to Christmas miracles and the Christmas spirit and everything that encompasses dreams and hopes and love and faith.
Merry Christmas - Happy New Year :)
And so it goes...
Good Stuff
- Fire...
- Water...
- Breath...
- Friendship...
- Hope...
- Love...
Monday, December 5, 2011
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Day At The Service Shop
I am sitting in the Toyota service shop. This one is much nicer than the one I normally go to. They have donuts on the table. Dunkin Donuts. Chocolate glazed ones even. I have yet to eat one; although if I'm here past 4pm and they are still staring at me then I might need to put one out of its misery. I came in at 11am this morning because of what I thought to be a problem with my brakes. I obviously know nothing about cars because it was not my brakes but in fact my tires. Which I knew I had to get replaced soon but I didn't think they would make my car on dry pavement seem like I was driving on center ice at Consol Energy Center. And then some fluids are BLACK (the tech actually wrote BLACK in all caps on his notes) that shouldn't be BLACK. And my parking lights are out. I didn't even know I had parking lights. Which is why I guess I didn't realize they were out.
Now, I realize this isn't all that interesting. But I am one of those odd people that enjoy airports, the DMV and auto body shops. I like being somewhere that I'm not usually at and seeing the people around me and wonder what they usually do on days when they are not also at the airport or DMV or the auto body shop. I don't like to call it 'people watching' because that has a connotation of watching someone and either judging them on what they are saying or doing or talking about them later to a friend. That's not cool. But I do enjoy thinking about other people's lives and what they must involve and include.
The families that come in and the kids eat a donut and then an hour later are completed crashed. Damn sugar. I wonder if they get to eat donuts on days in which they are not at the car shop. Maybe as they get older they will be eating a chocolate glazed donut and remember being here.
I will remember being here today... for two reasons and neither involve my car. Two people I went to high school with work here. I talked to one for a while about the places he's lived and the things he's seen. I haven't spoken to him in so long and it was really great to today. It reminded me of high school. And I am also one of those people who didn't despise high school. So it made me smile.
The other one reviewed the extensive list of repairs my car needed. When it came to the lights that needed replaced, he said it would probably be cheaper if someone else did it. But I don't have anyone else to do it I said. BF? he asked. I shook my head no. He said I should get one. I said to change my lights? We both laughed. But honestly, I would rather pay a ridiculous price to have parking lights changed out then to get a boyfriend for labor needs. There are a few of us out there that truly believe this but it still amazes me there are not more. But I digress...
Five (5) hours is a bit much at the this place but it could be worse... I finished Palo Alto by James Franco. Good little book of short stories of kids in high school. It turned out to be quite fitting for today. They have Starbucks coffee and this computer that I'm using. Not too shabby. Neither is the view from time to time of someone walking past as he is working. And although I still won't get a boyfriend for labor needs, maybe I should think about getting one so I can watch him walk around all day. Hmmm, ok maybe I have been here too long.
The donuts are still there... but it's only 3:25pm.
And so it goes...
Now, I realize this isn't all that interesting. But I am one of those odd people that enjoy airports, the DMV and auto body shops. I like being somewhere that I'm not usually at and seeing the people around me and wonder what they usually do on days when they are not also at the airport or DMV or the auto body shop. I don't like to call it 'people watching' because that has a connotation of watching someone and either judging them on what they are saying or doing or talking about them later to a friend. That's not cool. But I do enjoy thinking about other people's lives and what they must involve and include.
The families that come in and the kids eat a donut and then an hour later are completed crashed. Damn sugar. I wonder if they get to eat donuts on days in which they are not at the car shop. Maybe as they get older they will be eating a chocolate glazed donut and remember being here.
I will remember being here today... for two reasons and neither involve my car. Two people I went to high school with work here. I talked to one for a while about the places he's lived and the things he's seen. I haven't spoken to him in so long and it was really great to today. It reminded me of high school. And I am also one of those people who didn't despise high school. So it made me smile.
The other one reviewed the extensive list of repairs my car needed. When it came to the lights that needed replaced, he said it would probably be cheaper if someone else did it. But I don't have anyone else to do it I said. BF? he asked. I shook my head no. He said I should get one. I said to change my lights? We both laughed. But honestly, I would rather pay a ridiculous price to have parking lights changed out then to get a boyfriend for labor needs. There are a few of us out there that truly believe this but it still amazes me there are not more. But I digress...
Five (5) hours is a bit much at the this place but it could be worse... I finished Palo Alto by James Franco. Good little book of short stories of kids in high school. It turned out to be quite fitting for today. They have Starbucks coffee and this computer that I'm using. Not too shabby. Neither is the view from time to time of someone walking past as he is working. And although I still won't get a boyfriend for labor needs, maybe I should think about getting one so I can watch him walk around all day. Hmmm, ok maybe I have been here too long.
The donuts are still there... but it's only 3:25pm.
And so it goes...
Thursday, January 20, 2011
The View From Above The Clouds
There are days in which we walk outside, we look above and see a ceiling of clouds as far as our eyes can see. We look up, we see gray, we see white, we see a solid wall of dull and drab 'nothing'. If we didn't know any better we would assume that this wall is a wall comprised of the most sturdy material known to man. Nothing could break past this wall, look how massive and cumbersome and heavy it looks... And if nothing could break down this wall, then certainly nothing could possibly exist beyond it. If this wall of clouds really is as strong and rigid and unchangeable as it seems, then how was it only yesterday that we could swear it wasn't there at all? But it's certainly there now and it seems so... permanent. When the clouds are spread so thick, that not even the slightest patch of blue sky or hint of the Sun can be seen, and it feels so cold because there is no direct warmth touching our skin, we tend to forget that there really is something beyond that wall of clouds... and that that wall isn't so permanent after all.
Yes, if we are lucky, we realize we do know better. We know that on the other side of this intimidating wall there is a brilliant blue sky. And that azure blue sky is lit with a blazing orange red Sun that is so bright you cannot stare into it's heart for too long without it taking away part of your own vision. The sky seems so impossibly endless... as though even if we wanted to find the end of the blue line, we know wouldn't be able to really discover it. And it's all there, right behind those clouds. Every day, even days in which we can't see it with our own eyes, the Sun lazily wanders around it's home in the delicious blue sky and eventually comes to that line, where it takes it's light and warmth away for a while. It's warming blaze, this life providing light, is the reason for which I am able to type and that you are able to read. The Sun, and the blue sky which reflects the tremendous bodies of water on our planet, are the reasons for which we are able to 'be'. It's that simple and easy. The sun shines, the clouds gather and release water... and we are able to be.
How we 'be' though, is not as simple. For often times, we look around ourselves and feel a wall that seems much the same as those clouds above. We feel as though this wall in front of us is dull and drab and sturdy and permanent. We don't quite remember when it appeared but we cannot deny it's presence now. And oh man, it looks heavy and built to prevail against any force placed upon it. Since it seems so sturdy, obviously nothing can get past it. Even the slightest bit of warmth... from a touch, a feeling, a thought, a sound, a moment, a memory... nothing is getting through this thing. And if this wall is as strong as it seems then nothing could possibly exist beyond it, right?
Sometimes we find ourselves thinking or feeling as though we are trapped beneath or behind a massive wall. Maybe we are now shadows of who we once were or faded hopes of the person we wanted to become. How did it happen so fast? Why did it take so long? We look back and remember... could it be that the best days are the ones that have already happened? And if that's true, don't we wish we could go back and tell ourselves to remember them more vividly? We look forward and dream... promise ourselves that tomorrow I will start to be the person I have always wanted to be. And this time, I'm really going to do it. Now, if only that stupid wall would just go away so that I can move forward... move through... move beyond. But it just becomes so difficult... Maybe this wall really is as solid as it seems.
I was on a flight last week from DC to Pittsburgh. Puddle jumper of a plane that departed around 4:30pm. In DC, they were still feeling the effects of the storm that iced Atlanta, and it was damn cold on the ground. There was nothing up above, solid white and gray. As the plane took off, the magical city of our Nation's Capitol even seemed dull and drab. I put my earphones in, opened my book and was ready to forget I had a window seat. As we climbed in elevation, there was turbulence as we entered the massive wall of clouds. It was rough enough for me to have to put down my fantastic book (In the Hand of Dante by Nick Tosches) and peer out the window.
I saw nothing. It was solid white. Then, we climbed through the last tip of the clouds and were now flying above them. It was a sight I hope I never forget. I felt as though I were in a painting, looking around at the handiwork of an acclaimed artist. And ultimately, I guess I was. If you didn't know any better, it could have been a sea snow drifts, could have been a big bowl of Cool Whip, could have been a bunch of cotton balls glued to an endless piece of paper. Even more brilliant than the home of the Care Bears, was the sky, the deliciously blue and immensely large sky. And above those clouds, and in that brilliant blue sky... was the Sun. Right at sundown too, when the Sun was approaching the horizon. The sight was so intense that you couldn't look away. Blazing orange red sun, sitting in the throne of the blue sky and fluffy clouds, so clear and so brilliant... I stared so long that it actually hurt my poor eyes... but I just couldn't look away.
I realized what I was looking at... and how lucky I truly was. For I was looking at what exists above the clouds, beyond the wall. And that the wall isn't so permanent after all. I just flew through it. It wasn't smooth and it wasn't pretty, but what that wall stands in front of... is. What was dull and drab just below is beautiful and gorgeous just above. This was the sight I needed to see with my own eyes to awaken my own mind of a world that can and does exist. It exists not only outside but also within. This was the hope I needed to recapture - the view from above the clouds.
And so it goes...
Yes, if we are lucky, we realize we do know better. We know that on the other side of this intimidating wall there is a brilliant blue sky. And that azure blue sky is lit with a blazing orange red Sun that is so bright you cannot stare into it's heart for too long without it taking away part of your own vision. The sky seems so impossibly endless... as though even if we wanted to find the end of the blue line, we know wouldn't be able to really discover it. And it's all there, right behind those clouds. Every day, even days in which we can't see it with our own eyes, the Sun lazily wanders around it's home in the delicious blue sky and eventually comes to that line, where it takes it's light and warmth away for a while. It's warming blaze, this life providing light, is the reason for which I am able to type and that you are able to read. The Sun, and the blue sky which reflects the tremendous bodies of water on our planet, are the reasons for which we are able to 'be'. It's that simple and easy. The sun shines, the clouds gather and release water... and we are able to be.
How we 'be' though, is not as simple. For often times, we look around ourselves and feel a wall that seems much the same as those clouds above. We feel as though this wall in front of us is dull and drab and sturdy and permanent. We don't quite remember when it appeared but we cannot deny it's presence now. And oh man, it looks heavy and built to prevail against any force placed upon it. Since it seems so sturdy, obviously nothing can get past it. Even the slightest bit of warmth... from a touch, a feeling, a thought, a sound, a moment, a memory... nothing is getting through this thing. And if this wall is as strong as it seems then nothing could possibly exist beyond it, right?
Sometimes we find ourselves thinking or feeling as though we are trapped beneath or behind a massive wall. Maybe we are now shadows of who we once were or faded hopes of the person we wanted to become. How did it happen so fast? Why did it take so long? We look back and remember... could it be that the best days are the ones that have already happened? And if that's true, don't we wish we could go back and tell ourselves to remember them more vividly? We look forward and dream... promise ourselves that tomorrow I will start to be the person I have always wanted to be. And this time, I'm really going to do it. Now, if only that stupid wall would just go away so that I can move forward... move through... move beyond. But it just becomes so difficult... Maybe this wall really is as solid as it seems.
I was on a flight last week from DC to Pittsburgh. Puddle jumper of a plane that departed around 4:30pm. In DC, they were still feeling the effects of the storm that iced Atlanta, and it was damn cold on the ground. There was nothing up above, solid white and gray. As the plane took off, the magical city of our Nation's Capitol even seemed dull and drab. I put my earphones in, opened my book and was ready to forget I had a window seat. As we climbed in elevation, there was turbulence as we entered the massive wall of clouds. It was rough enough for me to have to put down my fantastic book (In the Hand of Dante by Nick Tosches) and peer out the window.
I saw nothing. It was solid white. Then, we climbed through the last tip of the clouds and were now flying above them. It was a sight I hope I never forget. I felt as though I were in a painting, looking around at the handiwork of an acclaimed artist. And ultimately, I guess I was. If you didn't know any better, it could have been a sea snow drifts, could have been a big bowl of Cool Whip, could have been a bunch of cotton balls glued to an endless piece of paper. Even more brilliant than the home of the Care Bears, was the sky, the deliciously blue and immensely large sky. And above those clouds, and in that brilliant blue sky... was the Sun. Right at sundown too, when the Sun was approaching the horizon. The sight was so intense that you couldn't look away. Blazing orange red sun, sitting in the throne of the blue sky and fluffy clouds, so clear and so brilliant... I stared so long that it actually hurt my poor eyes... but I just couldn't look away.
I realized what I was looking at... and how lucky I truly was. For I was looking at what exists above the clouds, beyond the wall. And that the wall isn't so permanent after all. I just flew through it. It wasn't smooth and it wasn't pretty, but what that wall stands in front of... is. What was dull and drab just below is beautiful and gorgeous just above. This was the sight I needed to see with my own eyes to awaken my own mind of a world that can and does exist. It exists not only outside but also within. This was the hope I needed to recapture - the view from above the clouds.
And so it goes...
Sunday, January 2, 2011
A Season Of My Own
Ever feel like you are in a different world sometimes? That you have slid through this dimension and moved on into a completely new one, where everything you think makes total sense to you? In your mind, everything seems to be so easy and perfect and normal and fantastic and very absolute and obvious. And above all else, it's just 'right'. Somehow you feel as though all will not just be ok but it will be great and spectacular and wonderful. Then, just as you are taking a deep breath, beginning to feel very comfortable in this world and noticing that things are finally making sense... you become painfully aware that no one else knows what the fuck you’re talking about. And if they cannot seem to decipher what you’re saying then you hardly would expect them to understand what you are thinking - so you don’t even bother trying. Ever get like this? And I am referring to slipping into this world naturally… no controlled substance of any kind, prescribed or otherwise.
It seems as though I get like this at Christmastime anymore… Maybe it is my attempt of raging against growing older, maybe it is because I don’t have a family of my own to dote on, maybe it is because I really miss the family that I have lost. Or maybe it is just because I really, truly still want to desperately believe in the spirit of Christmas and in Christmas miracles. The sounds, the sights, the smells of the season always seem to transport part of me into this ridiculous fantasy world for a few weeks out of the year. And during these weeks I create a world of my own. Like Alice in Wonderland, I jump down a proverbial rabbit hole that I myself dug and enter into a fantasy life that is only real to me, apparently. But where Alice was rather confused during her trip through Wonderland, I am not confused at all. In fact, during these times, nothing seems more clear to me. I assume it’s because this is the world I created myself, for myself, so it would make more sense. This is a place where everything and everyone just feels perfect. Sounds lovely, eh?
And it is lovely! You smile knowing that other people are complaining about this and that but in your world, nothing is wrong. There is an enormous amount of hope somewhere inside you for, something, that will most certainly come to fruition because why wouldn’t it? This is your world after all. I mean look how everything in your mind has worked out so well! People seem prettier inside and out; food tastes spicier; music sounds stronger; lights glow brighter; the air smells crisper. The possibilities are endless! You feel more alive in one evening than you felt all of the days of the last year combined. You have developed an image in your mind that is so amazing and spectacular that if it were not obviously true, then how could you have ever dreamt it up in the first place? It is definitely true! And you are so confident in this new world because hope abounds and there is always something to look forward to and wish for. You especially have that one wish, a wish stronger than anything you’ve wanted for such a long time. And it must come true… it just simply MUST! It’s Christmas after all… the time for new beginnings, a time to celebrate the joy of peace and love… it’s a time for miracles. So you continue floating around smiling to yourself knowing that something special is coming and it is certainly going to be wonderful and fantastical!
Until… you realize, no one knows what the fuck you’re talking about. And why would they really? The ideas you’ve built up in your head were ultimately just that – visions perfectly perfected because they were created in your mind where forever they will stay. The thoughts that were so common sense to you before now seem so ridiculous. And you beat yourself up because how could you be so stupid? How did the world seem so magically effervescent before... and now it’s just a complete and total mess? As lovely as everything seemed only days ago is now as less than ideal as they could possibly be. You wake up one day and abruptly realize the Christmas season has passed - it’s over. And the miracle you wanted to happen, in fact, didn’t. And the newness and the beginnings that you were supposed to be celebrating, now just seem so daunting. And of course you think if you could have made your Christmas miracle really come true, then none of these harsh feelings of reality would have happened. But they did happen. They are here now. You were floating before, now you are sinking. Hope suddenly seemed to fade away completely…
Well, not completely. There is always next year, hopefully.
And so it goes…
It seems as though I get like this at Christmastime anymore… Maybe it is my attempt of raging against growing older, maybe it is because I don’t have a family of my own to dote on, maybe it is because I really miss the family that I have lost. Or maybe it is just because I really, truly still want to desperately believe in the spirit of Christmas and in Christmas miracles. The sounds, the sights, the smells of the season always seem to transport part of me into this ridiculous fantasy world for a few weeks out of the year. And during these weeks I create a world of my own. Like Alice in Wonderland, I jump down a proverbial rabbit hole that I myself dug and enter into a fantasy life that is only real to me, apparently. But where Alice was rather confused during her trip through Wonderland, I am not confused at all. In fact, during these times, nothing seems more clear to me. I assume it’s because this is the world I created myself, for myself, so it would make more sense. This is a place where everything and everyone just feels perfect. Sounds lovely, eh?
And it is lovely! You smile knowing that other people are complaining about this and that but in your world, nothing is wrong. There is an enormous amount of hope somewhere inside you for, something, that will most certainly come to fruition because why wouldn’t it? This is your world after all. I mean look how everything in your mind has worked out so well! People seem prettier inside and out; food tastes spicier; music sounds stronger; lights glow brighter; the air smells crisper. The possibilities are endless! You feel more alive in one evening than you felt all of the days of the last year combined. You have developed an image in your mind that is so amazing and spectacular that if it were not obviously true, then how could you have ever dreamt it up in the first place? It is definitely true! And you are so confident in this new world because hope abounds and there is always something to look forward to and wish for. You especially have that one wish, a wish stronger than anything you’ve wanted for such a long time. And it must come true… it just simply MUST! It’s Christmas after all… the time for new beginnings, a time to celebrate the joy of peace and love… it’s a time for miracles. So you continue floating around smiling to yourself knowing that something special is coming and it is certainly going to be wonderful and fantastical!
Until… you realize, no one knows what the fuck you’re talking about. And why would they really? The ideas you’ve built up in your head were ultimately just that – visions perfectly perfected because they were created in your mind where forever they will stay. The thoughts that were so common sense to you before now seem so ridiculous. And you beat yourself up because how could you be so stupid? How did the world seem so magically effervescent before... and now it’s just a complete and total mess? As lovely as everything seemed only days ago is now as less than ideal as they could possibly be. You wake up one day and abruptly realize the Christmas season has passed - it’s over. And the miracle you wanted to happen, in fact, didn’t. And the newness and the beginnings that you were supposed to be celebrating, now just seem so daunting. And of course you think if you could have made your Christmas miracle really come true, then none of these harsh feelings of reality would have happened. But they did happen. They are here now. You were floating before, now you are sinking. Hope suddenly seemed to fade away completely…
Well, not completely. There is always next year, hopefully.
And so it goes…
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Why? Why? Why?
As you may already know, I'm a big fan of asking questions that have no answers. No real true hard fact answers, which makes thinking about those questions and talking about those questions all the more fun... Fun being a relative term I suppose...
There are those questions of "Why did my Dad have to leave us so soon?' that will never ever be answered in this life. And that, to me, is alright. I don't question God's plan at that level. I mean I believe that everything and anything that happens was ultimately God's plan in the first place but there are levels where we can question our own actions and wonder if God really truly planned for us to act like a ridiculous fool, or if the outcome that occurred was just simply the plan He had for us. My guess is that the outcome of God's plan in taking my father so early is not one to question... after all, God gave me 28 wonderful fantastic and most likely the best years of my life as years in which my father was next to me. So I can't be selfish and expect the best times of my life to continue to bleed into every single day... can I? No.
But... I certainly can question the moments where I act, in my opinion, not in typical Leslie fashion. I can most certainly question "Why do I do that?" I guess the answer would be easier if 1.) I just simply said it was God's plan and shrug my shoulders and move on or 2.) completely understood myself enough to know exactly why I do and say things at the exact time in which I do and say them. And obviously since neither are true in my case... I need something in between to explain my behavior. Because contrary to possible thought, I do care about my behavior. And how others see me.
I have learned much about myself after my Dad passed away... I realized that life is so precious and possibly so incredibly short. I now find it absolutely necessary to tell people what I think about them, because what happens if tomorrow I wouldn't be able to? I'm not talking about being rude and saying I don't like your hair... I mean positive, real, raw, untainted by the 'thinking too much about the thought of making that thought sound perfect' that often can ruin many of our interactions in the first place! However, I fear I do taint situations now, more than ever before... simply by trying to be real. I thank people a lot... because I mean it. I am thanking you because you did or said something that made me smile or feel better and you should know that about what you did for me. If I meet someone who I find interesting... I tell them. Because if I don't wake up tomorrow, at least I will know that I told them how much I found them interesting. Is that so bad? I don't know...
Quick story... a true one. Summer of '07, Laura and I are in Cancun. We meet these guys from Phoenix who were all just awesome, almost too good to be true types. They took us out with them, treated us like Queens, and were extremely well spoken and cultured. We immediately realized that real mean still did exist and we shouldn't give up all hope. The guy I hit it off with was named Nick. We only hung out that one night but he was seriously someone I will remember for the rest of my life. Before we left we exchanged numbers and email addresses. When I got home, I sent him an email saying how much I appreciated everything he did for me and my sister that night. Only 6 months or so after we lost my Dad, he came around and restored my faith in many things. Funny how one person can really do that. I told him all this, but of course in my typical wordiness. After I clicked Send, I reread that email and was seriously embarrassed for myself. But he wrote back with a very nice thank you reply. Over Snowpocalypse 2010, I was snowed in and randomly searching people on Facebook. I searched for Nick. A page came up with his name... it was a memorial page. He had died in a plane crash less than a year after we met. I don't know if it really meant anything to him or not, but I'm sure as hell glad I made a fool out of myself to send that rather ridiculous email. Now I know I said all I could possibly have said to him while he was here to read it.
However, this type of behavior has probably caused me more stress than it should. Have we all become so foreign to the concept that we all still really do have feelings? That simply because our main form of communication anymore is via some sort of a screen, that it means we don't feel through that screen?
Sometimes I think we do... we become guilty almost for telling someone how we feel. Like we shouldn't have let that much of ourselves out so quickly... or at all. They will think differently of me now, they will treat me differently now... But is that so bad? Sometimes I wonder why I do things or say things to certain people. Almost to the point of me looking at myself from outside myself and being like 'Really Les? Because now you look ridiculous...' And I know sometimes I do look incredibly foolish... but other times, I think 'Do I really?' Or is it just that I'm willing to say something before I may never get the chance to again. Is that the reason why I am a reckless abandon sometimes? I don't know... Sometimes I do wish I would have just shut the hell up for a minute.
We all have those types of regret I think... and wishing you did NOT say something is just as easy to regret as saying NOTHING at all. However, if I said it then part of me meant it, right? I might not know what part of me meant it, but if it came from me then I would have to trust that somewhere inside I was supposed to do or say those things. Which I guess makes them very much actions that are in typical Leslie fashion after all. But why? I have no idea... probably never will. And I'm OK with that.
And so it goes...
There are those questions of "Why did my Dad have to leave us so soon?' that will never ever be answered in this life. And that, to me, is alright. I don't question God's plan at that level. I mean I believe that everything and anything that happens was ultimately God's plan in the first place but there are levels where we can question our own actions and wonder if God really truly planned for us to act like a ridiculous fool, or if the outcome that occurred was just simply the plan He had for us. My guess is that the outcome of God's plan in taking my father so early is not one to question... after all, God gave me 28 wonderful fantastic and most likely the best years of my life as years in which my father was next to me. So I can't be selfish and expect the best times of my life to continue to bleed into every single day... can I? No.
But... I certainly can question the moments where I act, in my opinion, not in typical Leslie fashion. I can most certainly question "Why do I do that?" I guess the answer would be easier if 1.) I just simply said it was God's plan and shrug my shoulders and move on or 2.) completely understood myself enough to know exactly why I do and say things at the exact time in which I do and say them. And obviously since neither are true in my case... I need something in between to explain my behavior. Because contrary to possible thought, I do care about my behavior. And how others see me.
I have learned much about myself after my Dad passed away... I realized that life is so precious and possibly so incredibly short. I now find it absolutely necessary to tell people what I think about them, because what happens if tomorrow I wouldn't be able to? I'm not talking about being rude and saying I don't like your hair... I mean positive, real, raw, untainted by the 'thinking too much about the thought of making that thought sound perfect' that often can ruin many of our interactions in the first place! However, I fear I do taint situations now, more than ever before... simply by trying to be real. I thank people a lot... because I mean it. I am thanking you because you did or said something that made me smile or feel better and you should know that about what you did for me. If I meet someone who I find interesting... I tell them. Because if I don't wake up tomorrow, at least I will know that I told them how much I found them interesting. Is that so bad? I don't know...
Quick story... a true one. Summer of '07, Laura and I are in Cancun. We meet these guys from Phoenix who were all just awesome, almost too good to be true types. They took us out with them, treated us like Queens, and were extremely well spoken and cultured. We immediately realized that real mean still did exist and we shouldn't give up all hope. The guy I hit it off with was named Nick. We only hung out that one night but he was seriously someone I will remember for the rest of my life. Before we left we exchanged numbers and email addresses. When I got home, I sent him an email saying how much I appreciated everything he did for me and my sister that night. Only 6 months or so after we lost my Dad, he came around and restored my faith in many things. Funny how one person can really do that. I told him all this, but of course in my typical wordiness. After I clicked Send, I reread that email and was seriously embarrassed for myself. But he wrote back with a very nice thank you reply. Over Snowpocalypse 2010, I was snowed in and randomly searching people on Facebook. I searched for Nick. A page came up with his name... it was a memorial page. He had died in a plane crash less than a year after we met. I don't know if it really meant anything to him or not, but I'm sure as hell glad I made a fool out of myself to send that rather ridiculous email. Now I know I said all I could possibly have said to him while he was here to read it.
However, this type of behavior has probably caused me more stress than it should. Have we all become so foreign to the concept that we all still really do have feelings? That simply because our main form of communication anymore is via some sort of a screen, that it means we don't feel through that screen?
Sometimes I think we do... we become guilty almost for telling someone how we feel. Like we shouldn't have let that much of ourselves out so quickly... or at all. They will think differently of me now, they will treat me differently now... But is that so bad? Sometimes I wonder why I do things or say things to certain people. Almost to the point of me looking at myself from outside myself and being like 'Really Les? Because now you look ridiculous...' And I know sometimes I do look incredibly foolish... but other times, I think 'Do I really?' Or is it just that I'm willing to say something before I may never get the chance to again. Is that the reason why I am a reckless abandon sometimes? I don't know... Sometimes I do wish I would have just shut the hell up for a minute.
We all have those types of regret I think... and wishing you did NOT say something is just as easy to regret as saying NOTHING at all. However, if I said it then part of me meant it, right? I might not know what part of me meant it, but if it came from me then I would have to trust that somewhere inside I was supposed to do or say those things. Which I guess makes them very much actions that are in typical Leslie fashion after all. But why? I have no idea... probably never will. And I'm OK with that.
And so it goes...
Friday, November 26, 2010
2010 Thankful List
In honor of Thanksgiving, I decided to make a list of things that I am thankful for this past year... It's been a rather odd year for me and I owe many thanks to many situations, people and moments. So here are a few that I want to remember during this year of change and stagnation ... in no particular order (except number 1, because number 1 should always be number 1):
1. My sister - who graciously and patiently reminds me everyday of the person I am, have been and want to be one day.
2. Starbucks - for the unemployed person, afternoons of drinking tea and reading a book can actually make one rather happy to not have a job.
3. Hockey games - knowing there will always be a game on every few days is a sense of normalcy or routine that I quite welcome.
4. Ayn Rand's "The Fountainhead" - after reading it this summer, I discovered my ultimate respect for people who stick to their convictions no matter what. And also that my answer to the question of 'What fictional character would you want to be?' is no longer Hermione Granger but is now Dominique Francon.
5. Duct tape and my baton - because this is the apparatus I use to kill the bloody stink bugs that I despise more than I can describe in words.
6. My other single girl friends - for understanding without having to say anything.
7. The travel that I was able to do this year - In 2010, I was able to visit and spend time in Chicago, Raleigh, Boston, Toronto, New York City and Philadelphia.
8. My mother - who seems to become more intelligent and more loving every day... and for cutting carrots for me every week, even though she has Carpel Tunnel and having surgery next week.
9. Southern Tier Pumking - favorite beer ever... always look forward to its arrival and then somehow do not mind when it is finally gone.
10. My guy friends - there are a few who I really leaned on this summer to be there for me when I needed advice, opinions, or just to listen to me go on and on and on...
11. Ki - Japanese Restaurant in Toronto where I had, hands down, the best meal and dining experience to date.
12. The upgrade on my aircard line - for when my laptop died a few weeks ago, I was able to get a Netbook for $30, and for an unemployed person, that is something for which to be extremely thankful.
13. My long distance connections - whether I know them very well or just a little, the people I keep in touch with who are miles away somehow make me feel as though they are right here, and I value that very much.
14. My mom's friend Tom - because I honestly don't know what our small family would do without him, I really don't.
15. My new hair stylist - for allowing me to, slowly, get back to natural.
16. My new black puffy coat - best way to usher in the seasons is with new accessories, bring on the snow already (and kill the bloody stink bugs too, please.)
17. Wine Nights with Brooke - wine in sweats with someone who just gets it, I am so grateful.
18. The days of solitude I have had the last 9 months - something strange to be thankful for, but I may never get another chance to spend the majority of my days completely in my head... thinking and analyzing.
19. The people I still talk to from VZW - reminds me of what I really miss from that time in my life.
20. Sweet potatoes - I've developed a slight obsession.
21. Attractive men with longer hair, beards and scruff - just because I'm pretty certain that is the sexiest thing ever and I'm just thankful those men still exist and I get to look at them.
22. Sunday Funday's this fall - seeing my elderly friends at 10:30 mass, then seeing my girls over beers, and meeting interesting new people.... best thing is when I actually remember it all the next day.
23. The memories of my Dad - for I can still hear his words of wisdom and love, and they have gotten me through times this year in which I wasn't sure where I would turn next.
24. Music - listening to music is my personal runner's high.
25. The violets on my coffee table - the only plants I have been able to keep alive longer than 2 weeks, I've had for over a year, and they remind me that life is about constant change and growth.
I know there are more, many more... but for now, I believe that will do.
And so it goes...
1. My sister - who graciously and patiently reminds me everyday of the person I am, have been and want to be one day.
2. Starbucks - for the unemployed person, afternoons of drinking tea and reading a book can actually make one rather happy to not have a job.
3. Hockey games - knowing there will always be a game on every few days is a sense of normalcy or routine that I quite welcome.
4. Ayn Rand's "The Fountainhead" - after reading it this summer, I discovered my ultimate respect for people who stick to their convictions no matter what. And also that my answer to the question of 'What fictional character would you want to be?' is no longer Hermione Granger but is now Dominique Francon.
5. Duct tape and my baton - because this is the apparatus I use to kill the bloody stink bugs that I despise more than I can describe in words.
6. My other single girl friends - for understanding without having to say anything.
7. The travel that I was able to do this year - In 2010, I was able to visit and spend time in Chicago, Raleigh, Boston, Toronto, New York City and Philadelphia.
8. My mother - who seems to become more intelligent and more loving every day... and for cutting carrots for me every week, even though she has Carpel Tunnel and having surgery next week.
9. Southern Tier Pumking - favorite beer ever... always look forward to its arrival and then somehow do not mind when it is finally gone.
10. My guy friends - there are a few who I really leaned on this summer to be there for me when I needed advice, opinions, or just to listen to me go on and on and on...
11. Ki - Japanese Restaurant in Toronto where I had, hands down, the best meal and dining experience to date.
12. The upgrade on my aircard line - for when my laptop died a few weeks ago, I was able to get a Netbook for $30, and for an unemployed person, that is something for which to be extremely thankful.
13. My long distance connections - whether I know them very well or just a little, the people I keep in touch with who are miles away somehow make me feel as though they are right here, and I value that very much.
14. My mom's friend Tom - because I honestly don't know what our small family would do without him, I really don't.
15. My new hair stylist - for allowing me to, slowly, get back to natural.
16. My new black puffy coat - best way to usher in the seasons is with new accessories, bring on the snow already (and kill the bloody stink bugs too, please.)
17. Wine Nights with Brooke - wine in sweats with someone who just gets it, I am so grateful.
18. The days of solitude I have had the last 9 months - something strange to be thankful for, but I may never get another chance to spend the majority of my days completely in my head... thinking and analyzing.
19. The people I still talk to from VZW - reminds me of what I really miss from that time in my life.
20. Sweet potatoes - I've developed a slight obsession.
21. Attractive men with longer hair, beards and scruff - just because I'm pretty certain that is the sexiest thing ever and I'm just thankful those men still exist and I get to look at them.
22. Sunday Funday's this fall - seeing my elderly friends at 10:30 mass, then seeing my girls over beers, and meeting interesting new people.... best thing is when I actually remember it all the next day.
23. The memories of my Dad - for I can still hear his words of wisdom and love, and they have gotten me through times this year in which I wasn't sure where I would turn next.
24. Music - listening to music is my personal runner's high.
25. The violets on my coffee table - the only plants I have been able to keep alive longer than 2 weeks, I've had for over a year, and they remind me that life is about constant change and growth.
I know there are more, many more... but for now, I believe that will do.
And so it goes...
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Sundays...
This post is not about what I learned during Unemployment.... that post will come eventually. But not yet.
This one is in fact about what I did today and what I have done in a number of previous Sunday's ~ and that is simply enjoy my time. After I go to mass and visit with my mother, I do nothing except have beers with my girlfriends and whomever else happens to be there at that point in time, and we pretend we care about the football game or sit and ignore what is on tv, and discuss... what happened that week in our lives, what did we do , who did we meet, who did we talk to, what shouldn't we have done, what did we wish we could have done, what does it all mean, or nothing at all whatsoever... quite obviously over a few beers, the conversations get better and better. But what makes these Sunday's so Fun is that we are all there because we simply choose to be. And gratefully, we all can. But again, I believe that's because we have chosen to be.
I know there could be a time in my life where I might not be able to have these days... so godamit while I can, I am going to absolutely love them and talk about them till I'm sick of hearing myself. Having no one to answer to, in any form, and being able to go and meet your friends and talk... and meet new people and talk... or just be inside your head and think of the past and the present... without once feeling guilty or like you're neglecting something else, is such a wonderful, liberating, and accomplished feeling.
Accomplished? Really? Yes, I'm 32 years old with no job, no husband, no children, no serious boyfriend... I don't even have a pet. Many people could very well view someone like me as a total failure in life thus far. I'm practically George Costanza for crying out loud. I, however, think very, very differently. I, in no uncertain terms, love love love my life right now, just as it is. I have a very hefty sense of self worth and believe that my path has been created for me from above and all I need to do is trust in that. It will continue to be amazing and wonderful because of the choices I make... But, at the same time, there are moments when I wonder.... I have weak moments like anyone else where I find myself coveting briefly. However, I know I'm not supposed to have that or be that or even want that... whatever that happens to be.
I know I could have been married... I probably could have had children. But I knew it wasn't right for me then, with those people, in those circumstances. I believe I personally do things on my own time anyway and simply because it's what everyone else is doing is certainly not good enough for me to do it. In fact, 'because that's what you're supposed to do' would probably be the reason why I wouldn't do it in the first place.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to prove anything. Or to justify or explain anything, either to you or me. I am saying however, that spending Sunday afternoon's having beers with people I find interesting is something I'm so grateful to have and will continue to appreciate while they are still occurring. Life is crazy and could absolutely turn upside down tomorrow... due to any number of reasons... and I will turn with it. It has led me here after all.... and for that I am so grateful.
Do I think of the past and the people in it? Yes, I do, everyday. There are people from high school that I think of everyday, people from college that I think of everyday, a certain person from Las Vegas that I foolishly think of almost everyday... and I find myself wondering what I would be like if those people had taken a more significant role in my life at that time. I wonder what my Sunday's would have been filled with if they had been a part of them... There is never an answer, as there rightfully wouldn't be. I don't know what would have happened, so it's silly for me to sit here and let those thoughts take over... As the wise and ever-comforting Dumbledore once told Harry Potter, "It does not do to dwell on dreams, Harry, and forget to live." So I don't dwell... but I do think. And because I think, I believe that is how I live.
And I have learned that the past is simply that - the past. I can't change it or mold it to anything different than what it was. So I sit here today and take everything I can from those people and those memories and those times and put that energy into today. I hear them, I see them, I know they are all a part of me. What creates me and my heavy sense of worth? Everyone that has ever touched me and affected me in some way... You have contributed to this creature that stands here... maybe she is unclear as to where she is going but she sure as hell knows where she has been. Maybe that sounds cliche... but few can actually say that and truly mean it. They see their lives drawn out for them, like a blueprint of a building and they need to follow step by step in order for all to remain standing sturdy and strong. I have no blueprint... good thing too, those things never made any sense to me.
The reasons why I love my life are not because it's simply mine, in the most complete sense of the word 'mine'. No. It's more than that... It's making sure that while I'm 'in' a phase of life, that I acknowledge it. That I appreciate it for all it has to offer and teach and show me. Knowing the full while that this time will pass, much like all other times have passed. So whether it is a good time or a bad time, a gain, a loss, the worst loss imaginable, or the most euphoric feeling ever, I must recognize that I'm in it but it will eventually lead into something else... so I will continue to learn the hell out of every moment I can. The ones I can remember anyway... especially on late Sunday evenings...
And so it goes...
This one is in fact about what I did today and what I have done in a number of previous Sunday's ~ and that is simply enjoy my time. After I go to mass and visit with my mother, I do nothing except have beers with my girlfriends and whomever else happens to be there at that point in time, and we pretend we care about the football game or sit and ignore what is on tv, and discuss... what happened that week in our lives, what did we do , who did we meet, who did we talk to, what shouldn't we have done, what did we wish we could have done, what does it all mean, or nothing at all whatsoever... quite obviously over a few beers, the conversations get better and better. But what makes these Sunday's so Fun is that we are all there because we simply choose to be. And gratefully, we all can. But again, I believe that's because we have chosen to be.
I know there could be a time in my life where I might not be able to have these days... so godamit while I can, I am going to absolutely love them and talk about them till I'm sick of hearing myself. Having no one to answer to, in any form, and being able to go and meet your friends and talk... and meet new people and talk... or just be inside your head and think of the past and the present... without once feeling guilty or like you're neglecting something else, is such a wonderful, liberating, and accomplished feeling.
Accomplished? Really? Yes, I'm 32 years old with no job, no husband, no children, no serious boyfriend... I don't even have a pet. Many people could very well view someone like me as a total failure in life thus far. I'm practically George Costanza for crying out loud. I, however, think very, very differently. I, in no uncertain terms, love love love my life right now, just as it is. I have a very hefty sense of self worth and believe that my path has been created for me from above and all I need to do is trust in that. It will continue to be amazing and wonderful because of the choices I make... But, at the same time, there are moments when I wonder.... I have weak moments like anyone else where I find myself coveting briefly. However, I know I'm not supposed to have that or be that or even want that... whatever that happens to be.
I know I could have been married... I probably could have had children. But I knew it wasn't right for me then, with those people, in those circumstances. I believe I personally do things on my own time anyway and simply because it's what everyone else is doing is certainly not good enough for me to do it. In fact, 'because that's what you're supposed to do' would probably be the reason why I wouldn't do it in the first place.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to prove anything. Or to justify or explain anything, either to you or me. I am saying however, that spending Sunday afternoon's having beers with people I find interesting is something I'm so grateful to have and will continue to appreciate while they are still occurring. Life is crazy and could absolutely turn upside down tomorrow... due to any number of reasons... and I will turn with it. It has led me here after all.... and for that I am so grateful.
Do I think of the past and the people in it? Yes, I do, everyday. There are people from high school that I think of everyday, people from college that I think of everyday, a certain person from Las Vegas that I foolishly think of almost everyday... and I find myself wondering what I would be like if those people had taken a more significant role in my life at that time. I wonder what my Sunday's would have been filled with if they had been a part of them... There is never an answer, as there rightfully wouldn't be. I don't know what would have happened, so it's silly for me to sit here and let those thoughts take over... As the wise and ever-comforting Dumbledore once told Harry Potter, "It does not do to dwell on dreams, Harry, and forget to live." So I don't dwell... but I do think. And because I think, I believe that is how I live.
And I have learned that the past is simply that - the past. I can't change it or mold it to anything different than what it was. So I sit here today and take everything I can from those people and those memories and those times and put that energy into today. I hear them, I see them, I know they are all a part of me. What creates me and my heavy sense of worth? Everyone that has ever touched me and affected me in some way... You have contributed to this creature that stands here... maybe she is unclear as to where she is going but she sure as hell knows where she has been. Maybe that sounds cliche... but few can actually say that and truly mean it. They see their lives drawn out for them, like a blueprint of a building and they need to follow step by step in order for all to remain standing sturdy and strong. I have no blueprint... good thing too, those things never made any sense to me.
The reasons why I love my life are not because it's simply mine, in the most complete sense of the word 'mine'. No. It's more than that... It's making sure that while I'm 'in' a phase of life, that I acknowledge it. That I appreciate it for all it has to offer and teach and show me. Knowing the full while that this time will pass, much like all other times have passed. So whether it is a good time or a bad time, a gain, a loss, the worst loss imaginable, or the most euphoric feeling ever, I must recognize that I'm in it but it will eventually lead into something else... so I will continue to learn the hell out of every moment I can. The ones I can remember anyway... especially on late Sunday evenings...
And so it goes...
Friday, October 15, 2010
The Situation Situation
So remember that segment in Pulp Fiction ... The Bonnie Situation? Remember Jimmie and Jules and The Wolf making a big deal about when Bonnie comes home from work she'll freak when she finds the stuff that Vincent and Jules brought into Jimmie's garage? From that moment on, I loved the idea of things being a 'situation'. I found it hilarious because in the back of my mind, when I heard that phrase, I saw Jimmie and his cup of gourmet coffee... Loved it.
Then came Jersey Shore........... and with it, this character of a person calling himself The Situation. Now it's all ruined, completely destroyed the awesome idea of a situation. Now when I hear someone say something is a situation, I no longer see Jimmie and his gourmet coffee - I see a rather irritating guy who continues to lift his shirt up to expose his time at the gym. But what's worse than that, is that he is actually making money from it. I mean personally, if I were to pay to see something, I would so much rather see Quentin Tarentino standing in a kitchen with a cup of coffee then a guy who has no problem sleeping with girls he barely knows, bragging about it, doing it on a TV show... and then financially prospering from it.
I used to like the phrase 'it's a situation' before... now it has a totally different meaning and I'm kinda annoyed about it.
And so it goes...
Then came Jersey Shore........... and with it, this character of a person calling himself The Situation. Now it's all ruined, completely destroyed the awesome idea of a situation. Now when I hear someone say something is a situation, I no longer see Jimmie and his gourmet coffee - I see a rather irritating guy who continues to lift his shirt up to expose his time at the gym. But what's worse than that, is that he is actually making money from it. I mean personally, if I were to pay to see something, I would so much rather see Quentin Tarentino standing in a kitchen with a cup of coffee then a guy who has no problem sleeping with girls he barely knows, bragging about it, doing it on a TV show... and then financially prospering from it.
I used to like the phrase 'it's a situation' before... now it has a totally different meaning and I'm kinda annoyed about it.
And so it goes...
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Changing of the Leaves
It has been said that change is the only constant. Change is inevitable. Nothing ever stays the same. Now, I'm not a math or physics theorist but I believe, as many of us do I'm sure, that there are things that change and there are things that stay the same.
One of the greatest things about change is that it comes in many forms. Small, minute, large, grand, personal, professional, public, private, physical, mental, emotional.... on and on. Taste in music, taste in foods, hair style, hair color, jobs, relationships... what a whirlwind! In order for us to know a change has occurred, we need to acknowledge it. Sometimes not right away because it takes time for us to realize a change has indeed taken place. Kind of like the temperature of a room... you were freezing and then all of a sudden you realize you aren't cold anymore. Then there are the changes that are so apparent it's like getting hit with a brick, it was so obvious. You're driving down the street and you look to the left and realize the building that was there yesterday is gone today. Quite a change ...
We sometimes will ourselves to change, like being less negative, more positive minded. And sometimes we, all of a sudden, wake up one day and realize, wow, I don't like heat and humidity anymore. I used to, but don't now. In both of these situations though, was this change part of something always within us but was just buried beneath the surface of influence and environmental situations? Or was this change something that was indeed different from what or who we innately were before?
When the changes happen within ourselves, are we the first to realize it? Or does it take someone else to point it out to us? Both, I would hope. But then it's funny, because others have gotten so used to the way you were before that this change perceived by them is not always welcomed right away. "He's different..." - "She's not the same person..." As with almost all things in life, sometimes change is a good thing and sometimes change is a not so good thing. But whichever may be true to you or to the person viewing you, one thing you can count on is that some other change will most certainly happen again.
"That's how the Earth spins..." - "That's what you are made of..." These are descriptions of things that will ultimately stay the same. Again, maybe good and maybe not so good, but true nonetheless. There is something reassuring about knowing you can count on something - that things will be there when you want them to be. The people who you trust (while they are still with us)... your inner gut feeling... your senses... the sun rising and setting... We become very used to these situations, almost to the point of taking them for granted. But I believe that is a mistake on our parts - for just because something does not change should not give us the right to assume it never will change. Because doesn't everything change at some point in time? Maybe not in 'our' time, but still in 'a' time?
Most likely we have all stated mantras similar these... "I wish for strength to change the things I can change and the strength and serenity to accept the things which I cannot change"... "Don't waste your energy on things you cannot change and focus yourself instead on things in which you can change". The sun has risen every day of our lives, but we should not expect it to tomorrow because we selfishly want a nice warm sunny day. Instead of hoping for sunshine, we should appreciate being alive on this planet during the time of the sun. For the sun will rise but sometimes the clouds will roll through... clouds will form on days in which we want them to and on days in which we don't. Changing the way we perceive the things that don't change is a way of respecting all things, including ourselves.
The leaves changing colors in the fall is something that will consistently happen every year... that change will never change. At least we hope it doesn't in our time ... Happy Autumn!
And so it goes...
One of the greatest things about change is that it comes in many forms. Small, minute, large, grand, personal, professional, public, private, physical, mental, emotional.... on and on. Taste in music, taste in foods, hair style, hair color, jobs, relationships... what a whirlwind! In order for us to know a change has occurred, we need to acknowledge it. Sometimes not right away because it takes time for us to realize a change has indeed taken place. Kind of like the temperature of a room... you were freezing and then all of a sudden you realize you aren't cold anymore. Then there are the changes that are so apparent it's like getting hit with a brick, it was so obvious. You're driving down the street and you look to the left and realize the building that was there yesterday is gone today. Quite a change ...
We sometimes will ourselves to change, like being less negative, more positive minded. And sometimes we, all of a sudden, wake up one day and realize, wow, I don't like heat and humidity anymore. I used to, but don't now. In both of these situations though, was this change part of something always within us but was just buried beneath the surface of influence and environmental situations? Or was this change something that was indeed different from what or who we innately were before?
When the changes happen within ourselves, are we the first to realize it? Or does it take someone else to point it out to us? Both, I would hope. But then it's funny, because others have gotten so used to the way you were before that this change perceived by them is not always welcomed right away. "He's different..." - "She's not the same person..." As with almost all things in life, sometimes change is a good thing and sometimes change is a not so good thing. But whichever may be true to you or to the person viewing you, one thing you can count on is that some other change will most certainly happen again.
"That's how the Earth spins..." - "That's what you are made of..." These are descriptions of things that will ultimately stay the same. Again, maybe good and maybe not so good, but true nonetheless. There is something reassuring about knowing you can count on something - that things will be there when you want them to be. The people who you trust (while they are still with us)... your inner gut feeling... your senses... the sun rising and setting... We become very used to these situations, almost to the point of taking them for granted. But I believe that is a mistake on our parts - for just because something does not change should not give us the right to assume it never will change. Because doesn't everything change at some point in time? Maybe not in 'our' time, but still in 'a' time?
Most likely we have all stated mantras similar these... "I wish for strength to change the things I can change and the strength and serenity to accept the things which I cannot change"... "Don't waste your energy on things you cannot change and focus yourself instead on things in which you can change". The sun has risen every day of our lives, but we should not expect it to tomorrow because we selfishly want a nice warm sunny day. Instead of hoping for sunshine, we should appreciate being alive on this planet during the time of the sun. For the sun will rise but sometimes the clouds will roll through... clouds will form on days in which we want them to and on days in which we don't. Changing the way we perceive the things that don't change is a way of respecting all things, including ourselves.
The leaves changing colors in the fall is something that will consistently happen every year... that change will never change. At least we hope it doesn't in our time ... Happy Autumn!
And so it goes...
Welcome...
Over the past 6 or so months, I have been through a journey of sorts... so I thought I would start writing again. I used to do this quite a bit but then stopped. I guess you can't force these things. I don't really expect anyone to read these posts, but for me I would rather put them up where people could read them if they wanted to - rather than just writing for myself. I have gained much insight by reading other people's thoughts.... Not always good insight, but insight all the same.
So from time to time I will come on here. Hopefully in good grammar and state of mind, but no promises. Besides, what fun would that be? I will hopefully write some stuff worth reading and then just as hopefully I will write the most useless stuff worth reading... but you know, that's how it goes...
As for the name of the site, I was sick of people complaing about clouds and rain and the days of the week. I enjoy Mondays... I believe clouds are beautiful... and have come to appreciate rain more than I ever thought possible. So I have decided to pay them all tribute. I hope they don't mind...
So from time to time I will come on here. Hopefully in good grammar and state of mind, but no promises. Besides, what fun would that be? I will hopefully write some stuff worth reading and then just as hopefully I will write the most useless stuff worth reading... but you know, that's how it goes...
As for the name of the site, I was sick of people complaing about clouds and rain and the days of the week. I enjoy Mondays... I believe clouds are beautiful... and have come to appreciate rain more than I ever thought possible. So I have decided to pay them all tribute. I hope they don't mind...
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