Ever feel like you are in a different world sometimes? That you have slid through this dimension and moved on into a completely new one, where everything you think makes total sense to you? In your mind, everything seems to be so easy and perfect and normal and fantastic and very absolute and obvious. And above all else, it's just 'right'. Somehow you feel as though all will not just be ok but it will be great and spectacular and wonderful. Then, just as you are taking a deep breath, beginning to feel very comfortable in this world and noticing that things are finally making sense... you become painfully aware that no one else knows what the fuck you’re talking about. And if they cannot seem to decipher what you’re saying then you hardly would expect them to understand what you are thinking - so you don’t even bother trying. Ever get like this? And I am referring to slipping into this world naturally… no controlled substance of any kind, prescribed or otherwise.
It seems as though I get like this at Christmastime anymore… Maybe it is my attempt of raging against growing older, maybe it is because I don’t have a family of my own to dote on, maybe it is because I really miss the family that I have lost. Or maybe it is just because I really, truly still want to desperately believe in the spirit of Christmas and in Christmas miracles. The sounds, the sights, the smells of the season always seem to transport part of me into this ridiculous fantasy world for a few weeks out of the year. And during these weeks I create a world of my own. Like Alice in Wonderland, I jump down a proverbial rabbit hole that I myself dug and enter into a fantasy life that is only real to me, apparently. But where Alice was rather confused during her trip through Wonderland, I am not confused at all. In fact, during these times, nothing seems more clear to me. I assume it’s because this is the world I created myself, for myself, so it would make more sense. This is a place where everything and everyone just feels perfect. Sounds lovely, eh?
And it is lovely! You smile knowing that other people are complaining about this and that but in your world, nothing is wrong. There is an enormous amount of hope somewhere inside you for, something, that will most certainly come to fruition because why wouldn’t it? This is your world after all. I mean look how everything in your mind has worked out so well! People seem prettier inside and out; food tastes spicier; music sounds stronger; lights glow brighter; the air smells crisper. The possibilities are endless! You feel more alive in one evening than you felt all of the days of the last year combined. You have developed an image in your mind that is so amazing and spectacular that if it were not obviously true, then how could you have ever dreamt it up in the first place? It is definitely true! And you are so confident in this new world because hope abounds and there is always something to look forward to and wish for. You especially have that one wish, a wish stronger than anything you’ve wanted for such a long time. And it must come true… it just simply MUST! It’s Christmas after all… the time for new beginnings, a time to celebrate the joy of peace and love… it’s a time for miracles. So you continue floating around smiling to yourself knowing that something special is coming and it is certainly going to be wonderful and fantastical!
Until… you realize, no one knows what the fuck you’re talking about. And why would they really? The ideas you’ve built up in your head were ultimately just that – visions perfectly perfected because they were created in your mind where forever they will stay. The thoughts that were so common sense to you before now seem so ridiculous. And you beat yourself up because how could you be so stupid? How did the world seem so magically effervescent before... and now it’s just a complete and total mess? As lovely as everything seemed only days ago is now as less than ideal as they could possibly be. You wake up one day and abruptly realize the Christmas season has passed - it’s over. And the miracle you wanted to happen, in fact, didn’t. And the newness and the beginnings that you were supposed to be celebrating, now just seem so daunting. And of course you think if you could have made your Christmas miracle really come true, then none of these harsh feelings of reality would have happened. But they did happen. They are here now. You were floating before, now you are sinking. Hope suddenly seemed to fade away completely…
Well, not completely. There is always next year, hopefully.
And so it goes…
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